My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.