Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
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*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Netflix: We have Less
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
New tinder profile pic
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
My time has come.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough