My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
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Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
He’s dead
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name