I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
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told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Body by sandwich.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”