daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
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Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,