I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography