Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
can’t believe I got front row seats
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening