By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
What if all the cashiers are married?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.