Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
If you know, you know
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
According to math, I’m broke
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today