WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
What is going on? 😅
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed