I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
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Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children