I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.