Where’s my employee discount too?
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*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*