I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
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I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
me refusing to leave twitter
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time