There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
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Best mom ever 😂
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.