it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.