Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Another interesting #factupdates post!
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap