Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
You Might Also Like
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa