I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?