The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
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My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
2023 was just a warmup
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
My five year plan is a meteorite
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.