[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
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First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
LOL!
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato