[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.