Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
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I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.