[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex