Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
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My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter