*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
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How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
You have been warned.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
The French cow says MEUX…
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket