I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no