Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I think they could have phrased this better
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.