Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
You Might Also Like
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
this is the best day of my life
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO