7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.