My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Hit me in the face with a bird
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.