My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
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If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
FRED: right
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Don’t talk down to me
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.