Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
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What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.