No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
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Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.