pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Twitter fine art
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …