Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
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Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
The Joker was right
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Favourite diary entry ever
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane