My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
yes… yes…
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.