Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Me too 😆
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*