Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
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alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said