playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
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My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Confused owl: What?!
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
A friend sent me this.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.