Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails