My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
You Might Also Like
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
scares
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Saw your ex at the shops
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*