Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
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Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.