St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.