In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.