Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink