ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
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I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
fixed it
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood