Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
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her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.