Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found