I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
The Sun’s probably Asian.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”